Britney’s Life After Showbiz: 5 Careers She Should Not Try

in Careers by marcus — October 22, 2007 at 1:02 pm | 1 comment

Oh, how the saucy have fallen! Just yesterday, it seems, Britney was an unstoppable hitmaker, her dance moves and sculpted physique coveted by girls worldwide, appearing in videos, award shows, and movies. Britney Spears was, in a word, ubiquitous. Now, one Vegas wedding, one K-Fed, two kids, a stint or two in rehab, one divorce, one head-shaving, one embarrassing mess at the VMAs, one custody battle, and one night at the jail later, Britney is precariously close to killing her showbiz career for good. People keep saying it’s so sad, so terrible. Others keep saying she’ll come back…

Come on, folks! Get real. We’d all like to see her do her Britney thing again, with the 8-year-old-little-sister-trying-to-be-sultry voice, scorching glares, morphing hair, and blush-inducing seizures. But it’s time to help her move forward, to look to the future, instead of torturing her with the past. Like so many mega-stars before her, she couldn’t sustain her momentum forever. She just petered out a lot sooner than most other folks (which I actually see as a positive: imagine her writhing around in those outfits at forty or fifty. Yikes!).

It’s time to ask what Britney can do going forward. What other wonderful careers would fit with her skill sets? Of course, careers in dancing of an exotic nature probably come most readily to mind, but we here at Classes and Careers do not recommend such careers (she would never get the kids back). Having proven her serpent-handling skills, she might have a successful career as a herpetologist. Regardless, with her bubbly personality and charm, Brit is sure to be welcome in any workplace. Her singing and dancing would liven up any company picnic.

With so many options available, we thought it would be more helpful if we made a list of careers she should not pursue- to help her narrow things down a bit. The following are five careers we recommend Britney stay far away from. Hope these help, Brit:

1. Driver’s Training Instructor

Three words for you: hit and run. Four more words: driving without a license. These add up to a simple equation: Britney + teaching teens to drive = very, very bad idea. As captured by a video surveillance camera, Britney accidentally hit another car while trying to park in a parking lot, got out of her car, looked at the damage to her own car only, and walked away. Imagine her teaching that move to some 15-year olds. Now rumors are flying of her allegedly driving over a paparazzo’s foot (not that they don’t deserve it). Her bodyguard tells of her tendency to drive around with a Jack and Coke (which is illegal). Get Lindsay in the car as a co-instructor, and we’re talking some serious vehicular mayhem.

2. Bartender

I can just picture the bar manager tallying up the receipts with a puzzled look on his face and then turning to Britney: "I don’t know what it is, but we’re losing more alcohol than we’re selling. I can’t believe I have to order more Jack Daniels already." Britney wipes her chin, smiles innocently, swallows a big mouthful of something, shrugs her shoulders, burps, and hums "Oops, I did it again."

I know. I shouldn’t make light of others’ weaknesses. But that’s exactly my point. Brit has a soft spot for grandpa’s cough syrup. Let’s not make things harder on her by putting her in the lions’ den, so to speak. Give the girl a chance.

3. Guidance Counselor

I know it’s a bit late for this. She has, after all, been a role model for young girls (and some old girls) since her breakout performance in 1998. A generation of young women have grown up through adolescence trying to dance like her, sing like her, talk like her, dress like her, smell like her, and get their bodies altered to look like her.

However, it’s never too late to stop the madness, especially now, as she descends into drug addiction, alcoholism, showing an utter disregard for the unwritten law of wearing underclothes, and a veritable smorgasbord of other irresponsible actions. Let’s wait for Brit to grow up a little before she mentors anymore youth.

Besides, can you imagine how many boys would get sent to the office on purpose just to get reprimanded by Ms. Spears?

4. Parenting Specialist

She has custody. She loses custody. She can have monitored sleepovers with the boys. Now she… I’m seriously confused. Obviously, some people have grave concerns about Britney’s ability to be a responsible, nurturing mother figure. "I’ve been concerned about her erratic behavior from day one," says Britney’s former bodyguard, Tony Barretto. "I couldn’t stand by and let the kids stay around her any longer. She has mental problems, and they are not helped by her taking drugs and alcohol."

Whether you’re in the "Leave-Britney-Alone" camp or the "She-Is-Ruining-Her-Life-And-Career-But-It-Sure-Is-Scintillating-To-Watch" peanut gallery, you have to agree that Britney’s views on parenting should not be disseminated to the general public. They certainly should not be given to others as credible advice.

Maybe years from now, when Britney is clean, has seen the error of her ways, has written several books about her journey from self-destruction to enlightenment, and is one of those weathered, smoky-voiced Hollywood matrons, she can give some good parenting advice (mostly what not to do). But let’s wait until then.

5. Professional Matchmaker

Britney can’t pick compatible mates for herself, much less for others. To support this, I offer two pieces of evidence: K-Fed and Jason Allen Alexander, who wasn’t even around long enough to receive a faux street abbreviation of his name (maybe J-Al-Al or J-Lex).

After breaking up with Justin Timberlake, she obviously preferred "normal" guys. Her Vegas marriage to J-Lex lasted a whopping 55 hours, which leads one to wonder: What did Britney discover about him, or vice versa, within that timeframe that made her go, "Like, what have I done? I need an annulment now!"? Was it just a publicity stunt? A plea for attention? A genuine attempt at marital bliss? Who knows? Does she even know?

Then we have K-Fed, one of her back-up dancers and utterly unimpressive from the start. Hmmm, let’s put the two together: global superstar pop goddess, rich beyond imagination, a type-A personality for sure who has been positioned and groomed her whole life to be such; and then an unspectacular, unambitious, wannabe-Slim Shady dancer. Who would be the dominant partner, the bull? Who would be the cow? The result: a train wreck waiting to happen. Does anyone see any degree of compatibility here? I guess, they both like to dance- that’s something, right? But even in dancing, K-Fed was just scenery for the ever-dominant Britney. As onstage, so in their married life.

Being a professional matchmaker requires skill and insight in recognizing compatibilities between people. One must recognize that certain people will not go well with certain others. Does Britney have that ability? No. Does she seem to understand that successful romantic relationships are built on more than a need to have someone who is called your partner? Nope.

We wish the best for Britney in whatever career she pursues. Our girl Britney needs some help and guidance, and we’re here to offer it, genuine and brutally honest. Britney fans, don’t hate. We’re on your side. What other careers should she stay away from? Do you hate us for writing this? Do you love us? Leave your hate/love in the comments box below. Peace out!

Tags: Britney Spears career showbiz