College Mascot Smackdown: Cal State Bears vs. Ohio State Buckeyes
America teems with college mascots fierce and ridiculous, awe-inspiring and laugh-inducing. One slow day, the Classes and Careers staff imagined what it would be like if we pitted this odd collection of warriors, animals, trees, vegetables, and forces of nature against one another in gladitorial fights to the finish. Who would reign victorious? Who would be run asunder? Which mascot would rise to the top to become the mightiest of them all? Join us for COLLEGE MASCOT SMACKDOWN!!!
Well, with the Trojans knocked out of the number one spot and LSU riding high, all eyes have now turned to the 2nd and 3rd ranked teams- the Cal State Bears and the Ohio State Buckeyes, respectively- to see who will face off against the Tigers in a BCS bowl game for the national championship.
In the real world, this will be determined by a subjective, political tangle of opinions and allegiances (aka the BCS). But here at College Mascot Smackdown, we know the only real way to settle these disagreements is through manly, blood-spilling, violent clashes to the death. Last man standing wins, just the way it should be. So we give you the Bears vs. the Buckeyes!!!
To my right, we have the Cal State Bears. Don’t be fooled by the goofy looking costume. The Cal Bear is a California grizzly bear. That’s right: a GRIZZLY. The name alone strikes fear in the hearts of boy scouts everywhere. Despite this particular species being extinct, we all know that grizzly bears can be mean sons of a gun.
Just to get a feel for their size and strength, grizzly bears can grow up to an unthinkable 1,500 lbs. That’s the equivalent of five NCAA offensive linemen thrown together in one massive body. When on their hind legs, grizzlies stand up to 8 feet tall, putting Shaq and Yao to shame. They have a large hump on the back of their neck that is actually a muscle mass used to power their paws when digging, but this same muscle could be used to manhandle an enemy. In spite of their size, grizzlies can run at Olympic speeds of up to 35 mph.
Grizzly bears, though peaceful when left on their own, can be extremely dangerous when threatened or confronted. They have been known to fight off packs of wolves for food. If you’ve been camping, you’ve heard tales of grizzlies breaking someone’s ribcage with a single blow or savagely mangling a hiker for their Powerbar. They’ve also been known to clamp their merciless jaws onto a person’s arm, leg, or scalp and drag them around like a rag doll. Grizzly bears are truly a force to be reckoned with. When they are on edge, stay out of the way. Needless to say, to willingly go after a bunch of grizzlies, the Buckeyes would have to be just plain nuts.
Turns out they are…
To my left, the Ohio State Buckeyes. I know what you’re thinking. You’re looking at their costumed mascot, Brutus Buckeye, with his human body and massive brown head with a lighter brown face, and you’re thinking, "What the heck is that?" Turns out the Buckeye is a nut- the Buckeye nut, to be exact, aesculus glabra, the fruit of the Buckeye tree, the state tree of Ohio. Early settlers named it thus because, with its round shape and lighter colored circle in the middle, it resembled a buck’s eye (get it?).
According to folklore, carrying a Buckeye around in your pocket would bring you good luck, and, facing off against one of nature’s most powerful creatures, it looks like the Buckeyes will need all the luck they can get. The Buckeye has few strengths upon which to draw. Its leaves do possess an unpleasant odor which has earned it the nicknames "the fetid buckeye" or "the stinking buckeye." The nut also contains tannic acid and is poisonous to cattle, possibly humans, and, in heavy enough doses, possibly to bears.
Given the lopsidedness of this smackdown, we will give the Buckeyes a boost and allow them to use their costumed mascot, with its massive nut head and snazzy striped shirt. Otherwise, this match would just be a wash, like an eighteen-wheeler vs. my sister’s Strawberry Shortcake doll. It still seems unbalanced… but LET’S GET IT ON!!!
Joining me here as our experts are Smokey the Bear and Col. Ebenezer Sproat, the man responsible for bringing the Buckeye nickname to all Ohio residents. Welcome to the Smackdown, gentleman and, er, gentlebear!
Ebenezer: Thank you much. Good to be here.
Smokey: Ho ho ho! ‘Gentlebear’. You’re too kind.
Ebenezer: I hope you’ve all got a tranquilizer ready or something, just in case this big fella gets out of control. I’ve always got my musket …Anyway, I would like to be the first to say don’t count the Buckeyes out. They may just be nuts. But they’re from Ohio, dang it! Darned if I never met an Ohio man who wouldn’t fight till the blood emptied from his veins and his gun was pulled from his cold hands.
Smokey: Ho ho ho! Don’t be so silly, colonel. These aren’t men; they’re just nuts. They’re just giant nuts on a man’s body. They don’t even have brains.
Ebenezer: They don’t need brains. They’ve got protein… and the, what’s that called, the tannic acid. That’s it. It’s poison, it is. My nephew’s horse nibbled on a bunch of them Buckeyes one night. He woke up with a terrible stomach ache.
Smokey: I don’t want to be mean, but we bears are extremely powerful animals. With our strong muscles, we routinely break through the toughest nuts. We eat the garbage you humans leave at campsites. I’m sorry, but even with the poison, the Buckeye nuts don’t stand a chance. I hope I haven’t hurt your feelings.
Ebenezer: Did this critter just insult the great state of Ohio? Listen, Smokey, I have furs twice your size hanging on my cabin wall. The men of Ohio will not stand for this. Why, it’s an outrage! Where’s my rifle?
Smokey: A rifle? Goodness. I’m not putting down people from Ohio, just Buckeye nuts. And I really should warn you: it’s not a good idea to threaten a bear. We don’t like guns at all.
Ebenezer: I don’t like the way this beast is looking at me. I’m getting my rif—
(Roaring and chewing)
(Silence)
Smokey: Oh my. Where has the colonel gone? He shouldn’t have scared me like that, going on about guns and such. By the way, do you have any toothpicks? I have something dreadful stuck way back there.
I think it’s safe to say the Cal State Bears won that one. Let’s see if we can get someone in here to pump Smokey’s stomach. In the meantime, give us your ratings below. Who would win? A grizzly or a Buckeye nut? Let the trash talk begin…
Cal State Bears
Ohio State Buckeyes
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Tags: Bears, Buckeyes, Cal State, college, football, mascots, Ohio State, smackdown, university
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