Five Types of College Roommates
So you’re headed off to college. You’ve got your new college wardrobe, your brand new laptop, and maybe a crappy but cool car to get you around. You’re experiencing anxiety (your books cost your entire scholarship, oh, and your firstborn son), excitement (you just found out where the cheerleaders practice!), disappointment (your new place is the size of a post office box), and more excitement (the cheerleaders live next door!). Then comes perhaps the most important discovery of all: your roommate. Although the two of you have been thrown together by pure cosmic chance, this person will make or break your school year.
Roommates come in many shapes and sizes. Some will save your life. Others will make you want to take theirs. Most of all, love them or hate them, you are stuck with them. In tribute to these indispensable characters, I give you my list of five types of roommates: 
The Buddy/The BFF
If you’re lucky, you got this one. They buy you food, introduce you to beautiful people, make your bed for you, and like the same movies you do. Buddy/BFF is clean but not to the point of making you feel bad that you aren’t. When a love interest comes to call, Buddy/BFF gives you your space and lets you work your mojo.
When their parents come to town and take them to dinner, they insist on bringing you along. Their mom sends care packages on a weekly basis, of which you become a direct beneficiary.
The Buddy usually also brings with them a spectacular entertainment system, a DVD library, a high performance gaming console, and a ridiculous amount of video games that he freely shares with all. The BFF brings with her an insanely stocked wardrobe with dozens of shoes and accessories that she insists you use.
The Buddy’s/BFF’s motto: "Mi casa es su casa." My advice: Keep your friends close, but keep the Buddy/BFF closer. 
The Klepto
Your cologne or perfume has been disappearing faster than your free time. Shirts you just washed are found misplaced and with the unmistakable scent of body odor. Your food vanishes from the pantry. Scratches appear inexplicably on your DVDs. You could have sworn you had $20 in your lucky jar; now there is only $13 and some odd coins. Caution: you’re rooming with the Klepto.
The Klepto is congenial to your face, but, when they think you’re not looking, they are eyeballing your stuff with envy. They have a habit of leaving with their hand under their jacket just as you’re coming in. You have a strong feeling that they are trying to get away with something.
At their most frightening, Kleptos envy you and your stuff so much that they may actually try to steal your identity. Other, more benign tendencies include stealing your significant other, stealing your towel, and stealing your ideas. In some instances, Kleptos have been known to buy gifts for their victims out of guilt for pillaging their stuff.
The Klepto’s motto: "Su casa es mi casa." My advice: Buy a padlock and safe and install a hidden camera in your room. 
The Slob
Unwashed dishes pile up in the sink. You haven’t seen your carpet in weeks, and a mass of dirty clothes and debris is now slowly inching down the hall. A vomit-inducing aroma is creeping from your roommate’s tower of Taco Bell containers. You’ve never seen your roommate do their laundry… ever. Your roommate doesn’t own any hygiene items- zero. Alas, you’ve been paired with the Slob.
Ah, the frustrating Slob- lovably low-stress but terrifyingly foul. They are cool with whatever you want to do. You never feel pressure to keep your stuff in order. Especially good, Slobs have been known to be very generous. But you also wouldn’t be surprised if the next Black Plague originated from their clothes hamper. Between the remnants of their last dinner experiment and their intestinal fanfare every five minutes, the ozone layer is thinning faster than the fabric on the cushions under the Slob’s sweaty rear end.
The Slob’s motto: "Let it be." My advice: A bonfire and a truckload of air freshener. 
The Vampire
They are deathly pale and as silent as the grave. They prefer black light or no light at all. They sleep during the day and slip out of the house at night. When you try to strike up some conversation, they speak only under their breath, uttering muffled incantations about your impending doom. These are sure signs that you are living with the Vampire.
But, honestly, if you can get over the paranoid thought of getting the blood sucked out of your veins and being transformed into one of their blood lusting minions, living with the Vampire isn’t so bad. In fact, you pretty much have the whole place to yourself. They usually keep very little food (apparently, fresh blood provides the majority of their daily nutritional needs). And they tend to display a visible abhorrence for the possessions of the living. So you don’t need to worry about the Klepto stuff. On the other hand, if you crave socialization, you will need to look elsewhere.
The Vampire’s motto: something about enveloping the world in eternal darkness. My advice: Garlic tablets. 
The Serious Student
You can live with the Slob and the Vampire. Heck, with some decent security precautions, you can even live with the Klepto. Ironically, however, the most difficult of roommates is the Serious Student. Serious Student went to college to study, earn as many degrees as possible, capture a Nobel Prize, and then take over the world. Having fun, socializing, and the general sound of happiness kindles in the Serious Student the deepest disgust and wrath.
The Serious Student is known to demand the highest degree of silence and reverence while studying. Any disruptive noise or action will throw the Serious Student into a silent, pent up fit. This usually consists of the Serious Student glaring at the offender with all due hatred, slamming their books shut, rising dreadfully from their desk, leaving the room, and then slamming a door. All of this is done without words.
Fortunately, should you happen to offend the Serious Student, you are less likely to see them. If you happen to be in the room at the same time, they will first make their disdain for you known and then they will exit. The more you offend the Serious Student, the less they will be seen.
The Serious Student’s motto: "Can’t you see how important my existence is?" My advice: offend them as often as possible.
Everybody’s got them. What types of roommates have you had? Share your roommate comments below…
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October 24th, 2007 at 5:28 pm
I lived in the dorms at my college for two years, both years sharing a suite with 3 other guys. Despite living with different people both years, they all fell into similar roles. So heres three additional types of roommates:
1: the metrosexual: this guy probably has more clothes than most of the girls in the dorm. Your side of the closet will look barren compared to his. Their beauty products will fill most of the available shower/sink space, and if both of you have class at the same time, make sure to shower before they do, otherwise you’ll be waiting 30 mins to get ready.
2: the stoner: gotta love these guys. They occupy the bathroom for an entirely different reason, and as long as they attempt to cover their tracks, are fairly harmless. The stoner is always down for hanging out, playing video game, watching TV, having “deep” philosophical conversations. Befriend the stoner and they might share the goods.
3: the tool: similar to the serious student, the tool is a pain to be around. They tend to be selfish, hiding any food they might have, enjoy children’s anime or other unwatchable television, constantly complain to the R.A. and rat on their roommates, are completely close-minded to any college experimentation, and are the natural enemy of the stoner. Not only should you offend the tool at any opportunity, but also steal his stuff any time he neglects to hide it or lock it up.