5 Types of Co-Workers
The first day you walk into a workplace, you can’t help but notice how everyone seems to be a certain kind of character. And each character comes together in that place where everyone would rather not be to make this weird microcosmic stew.
Needless to say, getting to know and getting along with your co-workers can be an interesting game. To help you out, I’ve provided the following guide to five common types of co-workers: 
The Guffaw
Their loud laughter carries over every surface, every cubicle wall, so strong and crisp it sounds like they could be right next to you. Interestingly, the laugh is usually disproportionately large in comparison with the actual joke told. Often, there is no joke told at all, and the laugh represents the Guffaw’s confusion, embarrassment, or lack of intelligent things to say. Although an effective ice breaker at first, the Guffaw’s laugh quickly becomes an annoyance to co-workers as they catch on to its seemingly illogical pattern and especially when they are having a bad day.
The Guffaw can vary in its appearance. Many Guffaws wear a large grin that seems ready to burst with laughter. Oddly, other Guffaws wear an almost melancholy expression most of the time until presented with a joke, an embarrassing or confusing situation, or an opportunity to end a conversation quickly, at which time their gloomy countenance bursts into eerily lively laughter.
The Guffaw’s motto: "He who laughs loudest covers up his ineptitude, low intelligence, or fear." My advice: Laugh before they can and see what they do. 
The Jester
Every workplace needs one. Since ancient times, kings have included jokers in their courts for the purpose of lightening the mood. The modern workplace does the same. The Jester continues to serve a vital function in today’s organizations: to keep everyone from throttling each other. The Jester gets most people to loosen up. Especially during very stressful times, the Jester gets people laughing and being themselves, providing very necessary distractions. They’ve always got a joke, a controversial comment, a drawerful of gags, and a bunch of dirt on every co-worker, which they jovially put to use for the greater good of the workplace. The Jester creates an essential counter balance to the corporate drive to turn all employees into automatons.
A word of caution, however: the Jester can be a double-edged sword for one key reason. They don’t know when to stop, their comedic urges being pretty much uncontrollable. This means that they will keep joking and roasting people without sensitivity for the situation. They are known to make comments about taboo bodily functions when a VP visits. Although managers enjoy the Jester’s contributions to team sanity, they also fear the Jester for their tendency to turn on leadership and burn them in front of the group, thus demolishing any semblance of authority or power. In today’s litigation-phobic business environment, Jester’s are a real risk as they can easily cross the line into sexual, racial, or other harassment.
The Jester’s motto: "Make ‘em laugh." My advice: Out-jest the Jester. That will humble them, gain their respect, and keep you off their hit list. For a fun time, match up the Jester with the Guffaw or the Jester with the Fuhrer (see below). 
The Mouse
Their frightened, beady eyes dart about as they peer out of their cubicle. They hunch over their workstation like a squirrel over a nut. They wear a concerned look on their face. When confronted by the predators of the office, they stare up at them as if gazing into the headlights of an oncoming semi. These people seem born to cling to the bottom of the food chain, and they are called the Mouse. The Guffaw, the Jester, and the Fuhrer (see below) scare the Mouse to death- heck, everyone does.
Ironically, the Mouse can be in any position from the lowest underling to the manager. Regardless of rank, the Mouse is everyone’s victim; in fact, they can be your victim. If the Mouse is your boss, you can easily get time off, better chairs, and top-of-the-line equipment from them; they are especially useful when you want a raise or a promotion. If they are beneath you on the totem pole, they become a very accessible resource in times of need. Unfortunately, they are not ideal for representing your team to higher-ups. If this is your case, be prepared for the Mouse to come back empty-handed.
The Mouse’s motto: "I’ll do whatever you want. Just don’t hurt me." My advice: Talk very softly and never trust them to deliver an important message. 
The Fuhrer
Flyers appear regularly on every surface of your workplace reminding employees of rules. You have to look over your shoulder before even thinking about disobeying protocol. Your managers seem to know your every move. A misplaced keystroke results in employees being scooped up by company secret police and never being heard from again. Your desk creaks under the crushing weight of piles of company operating manuals. These you are required to recite by rote once a month. Your company dress code has been narrowed down to charcoal gray, unisex jumpsuits made of the most uncomfortable material. Sorry to tell you this: you’re living under the reign of the Fuhrer.
The Fuhrer is best recognized by their inability to laugh, slouch, or otherwise act in violation of company policy. Seeing others violate, or even talk about violating, company policy is first incomprehensible and then deeply upsetting to the Fuhrer. They will first return to their workstation to return to optimal body temperature and then they will proceed to systematically eliminate the negative behavior.
You see, long ago, the Fuhrer rejected free thought in favor of rigid company policy. Every facet of their life, from the time they open their eyelids to the time they go to sleep, is performed in accordance with the company policy manual. They have the CEO’s autographed photo on a golden shrine in their cubicle. Every article of their clothing has the company logo embroidered on it. On Friday nights, they watch company propaganda videos. The Fuhrer can be found at every level of an organization, from entry-level to top management.
The Fuhrer’s motto: "Order." My advice: If you’ve amassed a significant undergound, stage a rebellion; if you are hopelessly outnumbered, quit.
The Cliche
"Step up to the plate." "Hold a pow wow." "Shoot an email." "Heads will roll." "It is what it is." "Put out fires." "Tighten our belts." "Throw them under the bus." "Turn it around." "Give 110 percent." "Value added." "Win-win situation." "Wheels coming off the train." "Have vision." "Think outside the box." "Paradigm shift." Everyone uses these- that’s why they’ve become cliches. However, the Cliche uses only these. They’ve become so immersed in the uncreative language of the workplace that they have literally lost their ability to form original phrases. Whatever part of the brain is responsible for original speech has withered within the skull and become useless.
The Cliche can be as easy to recognize as the Guffaw. When they open their mouth, it is as if someone has activated a tape recorder that replays the same things they said yesterday. The odd word is thrown in here and there to make it fit the current situation. When the Cliche encounters a situation that cannot be answered by a cliche, they suddenly fall silent, and a look of utter helplessness befalls them. On the bright side, the Cliche is relatively harmless, unless you find yourself adopting their vocabulary.
The Cliche’s motto: "You can say that again." My advice: To fight the mind-numbing effects of the Cliche’s verbology, read Shakespeare when you get home. You may also be able to reverse the Cliche’s condition by reading to them.
So, now that you’ve read the list, admit it: these people sit right next to you. And there are plenty of other types. Comment below and give me your list…
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November 4th, 2007 at 3:39 am
Great list, I think I my unfortunately be the mouse…Another couple I have noticed are the “buddy”- the guy who always wants to be on everyone’s good side and acts chummy with every single person in the workplace, the other is the “false Fuhrer”, who is the person who has been there longer than you and picks everyone up on everything they do against policy, yet they keep another set of rules for themselves. I work with someone at the moment like that, who’s favourite words are “you’re not allowed to do that” (and shouting in loudly when the boss is around), but then when she thinks nobody is looking she does exactly the same thing.