5 Types of College Professors
College isn’t all fun and games, of course. You are there to learn after all. Sooner or later you must go to class. And that’s where you will meet some of the most important players in your college career. I speak of college professors, those guardians of the intellectual ivory tower.
Once you enter their lecture hall, they have absolute power over you. On a whim or with a simple revision of their syllabus, they can make your life miserable. On the other hand, they can be some of the smartest and most admirable people you will ever meet. They may introduce you to the career you never knew you always wanted. Unfortunately, they may also make you hate the field you always thought you loved.
Love them or hate them, below is my quick guide to five types of college professors:
The Controversy - If Howard Stern were capable of getting a PhD and teaching at a college (a long shot, I know), this would be him. The free-thinking college environment breeds them in large numbers. They freely leave the straight and narrow of academia for more gasp-inducing material. Yes, the Controversy feeds on shock, on sending closed-minded students running to the dean with complaints. The closer to plunging the university into anarchy and litigation, the better.
One may recognize the Controversy by its dress, as it prefers to dress outside the lines. Their dress code can include hideously mismatched sweaters, black-rimmed glasses, jeans from their Woodstock days, or any clothing made from hemp. They may also be identified by the impish grin on their faces after saying something inappropriate.
The Wreck - Disheveled clothes. Bloodshot eyes. Unshaven. A mad look that says that they could just reach out and strangle the life out of you at the slightest hint of mockery. The Wreck is a professor on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Something has the Wreck seriously stressed out- spouse left, dog died, car got totaled, whatever. So when the Wreck enters their personal kingdom (aka their classroom), it’s time to give the world some payback. Beware of brutal pop quizzes on the most obscure facts imaginable and impossibly lengthy reading assignments.
Most importantly, do not cross the Wreck. In some classes, banter and backtalking are acceptable, even encouraged. In the Wreck’s classroom, however, a loose tongue can get you into deep water. Even the most innocent of jokes could become the straw that broke the camel’s back. Heed these words, friend, and remain silent while the Wreck has their moment to vent. 
The Sage - As if their doctorate program consisted of sitting around for several years and formulating incredibly deep and utterly confounding theories and phrases, the Sage stands at the front of the classroom and spouts multi-layered sayings with the most serene and enlightened countenance possible. Students get the feeling that, if a professor were to scale some mountain in the Himalayas that professors must scale to speak with the Enlightened One of academia and achieve scholastic nirvana, surely this professor would be it. Students do not question in the Sage’s class; they merely bask in the Sage’s glory.
Like the Sages of old, however, these professors also value discipline and hard work. Do not expect to be asked to carry pots of boiling water with your forearms or snatch grasshoppers from the Sage’s hands. Do expect, however, extensive research papers and projects meant to carry you to the next sphere of existence. 
The Flatliner - Sometimes it seems that the anatomy department has accidentally left one of their cadavers at the front of the classroom. Indeed, many have suggested over the years that the Flatliner is in some kind of comatose state between life and death. With their gray pallor, lifeless eyes, and slothlike movements, many have mistaken the Flatliner for a zombie or vampire. How they are able to come to class on schedule, murmur through hour-long lectures, grade papers, and draw indiscernible diagrams on an old overhead projector is a mystery to modern science.
Even more interesting is the Flatliner’s seemingly contagious properties. Almost without fail, the Flatliner’s presence in a classroom will have students slipping into the same comatose state. Eyes droop. Drool moistens many a desktop. Notes are not taken.
To dismiss the Flatliner would be a grave mistake, however. Although they appear to slumber, something within the Flatliner seems to notice students’ negligence and will take vengeance accordingly. The Flatliner has been known to give the most difficult exams (usually filled with items taught while students slept).
The Demagogue - They enjoy celebrity status with the student body. Their courses fill quickly. They have a major named after them. They get invited to students’ weddings, bar mitzvahs, baptisms, etc. They have the charisma of James T. Kirk and the punchlines of David Letterman. Their PowerPoint presentations are accompanied by lasers, fog, and pyrotechnics. Students emerge from their lectures beaming or with tear-stained cheeks. The rest of the faculty live in bitter envy of the Demagogue.
The Demagogue is best recognized by the confidence and star power that oozes from their pores. They are often accompanied by an entourage of admirers.
What types of professors have you had? Let us know below…
About the author
Marcus Varner earned his BA in English from Brigham Young University with a Creative Writing emphasis. He is currently in his second year at BYU’s lauded MBA program studying Marketing. He blogs, writes fiction and screenplays, loves movies, and can’t resist playing superheroes with his kids.
Tags: college, professor, university
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November 12th, 2007 at 5:30 pm
Wow these images are so awesome! Did you draw them yourself, Marcus?! You are multi-talented, writer AND illustrator!
December 7th, 2007 at 10:13 am
It was fun reading.
January 19th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Haha! I stumbled upon this.
I think I’ve had all the above and this is just my 2nd year!
March 26th, 2008 at 8:09 am
Good post. You make some great points that most people do not fully understand.
“The Demagogue is best recognized by the confidence and star power that oozes from their pores. They are often accompanied by an entourage of admirers.”
I like how you explained that. Very helpful. Thanks.
April 29th, 2008 at 3:10 am
WOW, those are some of the best descriptions I have ever read! You have no idea how much you helped me out with this thread. You should definitely think about making some more if possible. These are easily the best professor categorizations on the web that I’ve seen. I like how they hardly have any similarities. Thanks again
December 12th, 2008 at 1:11 am
This was hilarious.
The flatliner is my absolute fav. While in their class you know you should be taking notes, but all that you can think about is how much you hate the class. And then when class is over you think about how much reading you have to do because you managed to go an hour without writing anything more than the date.
February 28th, 2009 at 7:05 pm
Hilarious :)
Unfortunately…I currently have a Flatliner and Wreck. It makes for a miserable existence.
August 6th, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I want to be an instructor soon (in a master’s program now). I have always enjoyed people who can do more than regurgitate the text. The energy that comes from a good instructor involves the class and makes them want to be there. I suppose my ambition is to be “The Demagogue” or the “The Sage.” I think “The Sage” is a more long-term goal.
Soon-to-be Instructor
East Carolina University
August 9th, 2009 at 11:20 pm
I have one type of professor that wasn’t mentioned actually.
The Boss: This Professor sees no difference between his or her class and the job setting that he or she is training you for. This Professor’s teaching style is to launch you right into the simulation of working at an actual firm or job. This professor is not looking to be your friend and is not looking to get to know anything about you, its about giving you a direct sense of life in the professional world.
Upsides, you learn ahead of time of what you are going to be experiencing in the professional world. It is good preparation because he or she teaches you about the real world and his or her teaching style makes it easier for you to adjust to a real job when it comes around because you’ve already experienced it. He or she is someone you can come to get help from on occasion if its about the assignment being given and its before the due date. A great professor for senior students about to graduate.
Downsides, work is often brutal and deadlines have VERY little flexibility if any. Often will play favorites if certain students perform exceptionally well. Not somebody to get life lessons from. You are only learning about your field, thats it. A terrible professor for freshman, students with undecided majors or someone of little interest to the class subject.