DISTANCE LEARNING | CONTINUING EDUCATION | ONLINE DEGREES

Third-graders hatching murder plots? Teenage girls beating a fellow student and then posting video of the attack on the internet? Students jump school teachers with no recourse from the district? Since when did this become commonplace? Since when did kids have the gall to plan the stuff out and broadcast it? Since when did we become so weak as to let them without so much as a slap on the wrist? Kids need to learn lessons, and the most important lessons aren’t about math, history, or science.

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80,000 jobs were cut in March in the U.S. 152,000 jobs total were lost in February and January. So, with that comforting thought, is anyone else here freaking out? I can’t sleep at night, thinking about how I’m going stay out of the dreaded unemployment line. Visions keep going through my mind of me serving snowcones out of one of those portable booths this summer or worse: me substitute-teaching in the public school system! Aaaaaahhhhh!!!! That’s about when I wake up in a cold sweat, rush to my laptop, and start madly sending out resumes to anyone and everyone I can (except the public school system, of course).

If you’re as paranoid as I am about having a job three months from now, here are five suggestions from a frantic mind on how to keep your job during the recession:

1. Blackmail the boss Remember that company holiday party where your manager got up and sang “I’m Too Sexy” after one too many shots of egg nog? Remember how you caught the whole performance on your camera phone? Now is the time to put that footage to good use.

2. Knock off the competition There are many subtle ways to get rid of that annoying new guy horning in on your territory, threatening to remove you from the picture. Talk him into taking projects that are bound to fail, for instance. Undermine his efforts behind the scenes. Catch him breaking company rules and report him anonymously to HR. Desperate times call for unkind, underhanded measures.

3. Kiss up to the boss Bosses love to have their egos stroked and they hate to get rid of people who stroke their ego. There’s always someone else more annoying, more unpleasant to be around that they could ax, but you? No. You make them feel good, feel like they can conquer the world.

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	Kaplan University University of Phoenix Penn Foster Devry University AUI Online

4. Become entrenched Every office has a few individuals who know where everything is, how everything works. They hold esoteric knowledge in their brains that no one else seems to know, and they lock it away there like Fort Knox. These people will never be laid off because the knowledge vacuum that would open in their absence would cause the organization to implode. Be one of these people.

5. Become a superstar Perhaps the best way to ensure your survival during a recession is to be the guy who brings in the most money. You’ve been reserving all your star power for an occasion like this. Now is the time to go above and beyond. Now is the time to be proactive and bring in new business. Now is the time to generate ideas that cut costs or increase revenue. Now is the time to be the MVP they can’t stand to lose. Good luck to you in the recession! Stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours…

Remember on Lost (the TV show, I mean) when they were in the Hatch and they had to keep entering the same numbers into that computer every 120 minutes, but they really didn’t know why they were doing it or how it all worked. Well, that’s how I feel about job search sites like Monster, Careerbuilder, and Hotjobs.

After faithfully searching for jobs and submitting resumes for the last four years without a single substantial result to speak of, I feel more than a little cheated. I feel a lot cheated, darn it! Duped. Bamboozled. Misled. I mean, the way the whole thing is set up is just cruel. It’s easy to find interesting jobs, they take you directly to a customized page and you can just apply right there. You download your resume, answer a few questions, click the ‘Send’ button, and then… well, and then, who knows what happens. For all we know it gets printed up in Yeti’s lair in the far reaches of Tibet to be used as T.P. for the hairy guy. Or perhaps it gets put into a time capsule and launched into space to the Alpha Centauri system to show our galactic neighbors how naïve and foolish humans are. For all we know, it goes to this big digital drainpipe on the outskirts of the internet where it falls into the black void and disappears completely.

In all seriousness, as easy as they make it to apply, they really only increase the degrees of separation between you and hiring managers. You can’t call them, write them, or even email them. Assuming the resumes actually get to them, they only grab the top few, leaving you with no chance to plead your case or show them your shining personality. You have no way to control the process or sway it in your favor.

So, as of today, I’m swearing off job search sites. I refuse to be led captive by their friendly design, their deceptive offers to help. I’m saying, “Take a hike, Monster. And take your weird creature thing with you. No thanks, Careerbuilder. You’re not building here. Get lost, Hotjobs. This relationship has gone cold.” I’m blazing my own path of face-to-face communication, networking, and sending things via the postal service. If you’re sick and tired of useless job search sites, join with me in ranting. Tell us about your failed relationship with those deadbeat job sites…

Federal investigators seem to have their hands full nowadays. They’re not just putting away drug lords and crooked execs. Just as often, they seem to be catching politicians. Their newest catch, New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, was a doozy. Spitzer had a previously squeaky clean record, a reputation as a crusader, a do-gooder, and a tough prosecutor. Accidentally, the governor was discovered to have been involved with a high-profile prostitution service and boom! The media was saturated with the story of a call girl named Kristen, the brief press conference, Spitzer and his wife’s heartbroken faces.

What must it be like to be one of those federal investigators? One day, you’re just checking out the governor’s dealings, suspecting possibly shady activities, maybe bribery. Next thing you know, you follow his money trail to a premium call girl service, accounts of a scandalous night at a Washington hotel. Without meaning to, you have revealed Spitzer to be morally askew, a hypocrite to everything he stood for. When you come home, your wife asks you, "So, what did you do at work today?" You answer, "I accidentally brought down the governor of New York."

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	Kaplan University University of Phoenix Penn Foster Devry University AUI Online

Some people really enjoy this sort of thing. I have a friend who is a police officer. With satisfaction, he tells me about people he pulls over, scumbags he hauls off to jail, doors he kicks in. For him, he is a servant of the law. Bringing people to justice is the highlight of his day. He deals with the most pitiful, irresponsible, dim-witted, ill-intentioned people in our society, and he enjoys it. Obviously, not a job for everyone.

You can bet that law enforcement careers will always be a growing segment. As populations grow and people do stupid things, the justice system will rely on having increasing numbers of people to investigate and bring them in to be prosecuted. That means that if you have the desire to catch bad guys, there will almost always be a position for you to fill. For example, it doesn’t look like we’ll run out of careless politicians any time soon. And that’s a pretty good position to be in (for law enforcement officials, not politicians).

If you’re interested in starting a law enforcement career, feel free to look into getting your degree. If you have something to say about the fall of Eliot Spitzer, sound off below…