DISTANCE LEARNING | CONTINUING EDUCATION | ONLINE DEGREES

College professors will be the first to tell you that their lives are boring. They don’t usually find themselves in critter-infested catacombs, duking it out with rabid Nazis or fighting supernatural beasts. They don’t find themselves becoming the victims of their own research, gaining superhuman powers in the process. They especially don’t find themselves in the arms of beautiful, cosmopolitan women. I mean, let’s face it: these guys make a living teaching half-conscious college kids and either reading others’ research or producing their own. They get more involved with spreadsheets and computer models than they do with any damsels in distress.

1. Indiana Jones, The Indiana Jones Quadrilogy

2. Peter Venkman, Ghostbusters I & II

3. Charles Xavier, The X-Men Trilogy

4. Sherman Klump, The Nutty Professor I & II

5. John Nash, A Beautiful Mind

6. Emmett Brown, The Back to the Future Trilogy

7. Mickey Rosa, 21

8. Robert Langdon, The Da Vinci Code

9.  Professor Kirke, The Chronicles of Narnia

10. Alan Grant, Jurassic Park I & III

Do you like to show up at crime scenes with a fake badge and pretend you’re CSI’s Grissom? Do you have a closetful of Columbo-style trenchcoats just waiting for their day in the sun? If so, the Department of Labor has great news!

Careers in criminal investigation are looking better than ever, even with a recession looming. In fact, security careers, which include criminal investigators, were listed recently in Yahoo!’s list of “recession-proof” careers. It makes sense. Criminals don’t take a break when the economy slumps; and neither do criminal investigators.

Fortunately, if you’re willing to get rid of your fake badge and go back to school, criminal investigation careers are easier to get into than ever.

	Top Online Schools
	Kaplan University University of Phoenix Penn Foster Devry University AUI Online

Criminal investigators gather the facts, collect the evidence, and build the cases to put criminals behind bars. Vital to law enforcement, investigators use advanced surveillance techniques and computer databases to stop illegal activity, provide evidence for prosecution or defense teams, protect assets, and help find missing people. They conduct interviews, examine records, observe suspects, and participate in raids and arrests. Criminal investigators tend to specialize in areas such as computer crime, forensic psychology, crime analysis, crime scene investigation, and fraud examination.

Fortunately, the criminal investigations industry is expected to increase in size, despite the economic downturn. As drug- and computer-related crimes rise and our society becomes more security-conscious, job opportunities for criminal investigators will continue to increase. Individuals with Criminal Investigation degrees can choose from various jobs, from police detective to corporate investigator to loss prevention agent. They can expect to make, on average, between $45,000 and $80,000 with great benefits, stability, and plentiful opportunities for advancement.

Best of all, criminal investigation degrees can be obtained in relatively little time and with minimal investment. New online degree programs are allowing more future criminal investigators to get their careers in less time and on their own schedule, most in two to four years.

Third-graders hatching murder plots? Teenage girls beating a fellow student and then posting video of the attack on the internet? Students jump school teachers with no recourse from the district? Since when did this become commonplace? Since when did kids have the gall to plan the stuff out and broadcast it? Since when did we become so weak as to let them without so much as a slap on the wrist? Kids need to learn lessons, and the most important lessons aren’t about math, history, or science.

	Top Online Schools
	Kaplan University University of Phoenix Penn Foster Devry University AUI Online

80,000 jobs were cut in March in the U.S. 152,000 jobs total were lost in February and January. So, with that comforting thought, is anyone else here freaking out? I can’t sleep at night, thinking about how I’m going stay out of the dreaded unemployment line. Visions keep going through my mind of me serving snowcones out of one of those portable booths this summer or worse: me substitute-teaching in the public school system! Aaaaaahhhhh!!!! That’s about when I wake up in a cold sweat, rush to my laptop, and start madly sending out resumes to anyone and everyone I can (except the public school system, of course).

If you’re as paranoid as I am about having a job three months from now, here are five suggestions from a frantic mind on how to keep your job during the recession:

1. Blackmail the boss Remember that company holiday party where your manager got up and sang “I’m Too Sexy” after one too many shots of egg nog? Remember how you caught the whole performance on your camera phone? Now is the time to put that footage to good use.

2. Knock off the competition There are many subtle ways to get rid of that annoying new guy horning in on your territory, threatening to remove you from the picture. Talk him into taking projects that are bound to fail, for instance. Undermine his efforts behind the scenes. Catch him breaking company rules and report him anonymously to HR. Desperate times call for unkind, underhanded measures.

3. Kiss up to the boss Bosses love to have their egos stroked and they hate to get rid of people who stroke their ego. There’s always someone else more annoying, more unpleasant to be around that they could ax, but you? No. You make them feel good, feel like they can conquer the world.

	Top Online Schools
	Kaplan University University of Phoenix Penn Foster Devry University AUI Online

4. Become entrenched Every office has a few individuals who know where everything is, how everything works. They hold esoteric knowledge in their brains that no one else seems to know, and they lock it away there like Fort Knox. These people will never be laid off because the knowledge vacuum that would open in their absence would cause the organization to implode. Be one of these people.

5. Become a superstar Perhaps the best way to ensure your survival during a recession is to be the guy who brings in the most money. You’ve been reserving all your star power for an occasion like this. Now is the time to go above and beyond. Now is the time to be proactive and bring in new business. Now is the time to generate ideas that cut costs or increase revenue. Now is the time to be the MVP they can’t stand to lose. Good luck to you in the recession! Stay out of my way and I’ll stay out of yours…