5 Types of College Professors
Wednesday, November 7th, 2007
College isn’t all fun and games, of course. You are there to learn after all. Sooner or later you must go to class. And that’s where you will meet some of the most important players in your college career. I speak of college professors, those guardians of the intellectual ivory tower.
Once you enter their lecture hall, they have absolute power over you. On a whim or with a simple revision of their syllabus, they can make your life miserable. On the other hand, they can be some of the smartest and most admirable people you will ever meet. They may introduce you to the career you never knew you always wanted. Unfortunately, they may also make you hate the field you always thought you loved.
Love them or hate them, below is my quick guide to five types of college professors:
The Controversy - If Howard Stern were capable of getting a PhD and teaching at a college (a long shot, I know), this would be him. The free-thinking college environment breeds them in large numbers. They freely leave the straight and narrow of academia for more gasp-inducing material. Yes, the Controversy feeds on shock, on sending closed-minded students running to the dean with complaints. The closer to plunging the university into anarchy and litigation, the better.
One may recognize the Controversy by its dress, as it prefers to dress outside the lines. Their dress code can include hideously mismatched sweaters, black-rimmed glasses, jeans from their Woodstock days, or any clothing made from hemp. They may also be identified by the impish grin on their faces after saying something inappropriate.
The Wreck - Disheveled clothes. Bloodshot eyes. Unshaven. A mad look that says that they could just reach out and strangle the life out of you at the slightest hint of mockery. The Wreck is a professor on the brink of a nervous breakdown. Something has the Wreck seriously stressed out- spouse left, dog died, car got totaled, whatever. So when the Wreck enters their personal kingdom (aka their classroom), it’s time to give the world some payback. Beware of brutal pop quizzes on the most obscure facts imaginable and impossibly lengthy reading assignments.
Most importantly, do not cross the Wreck. In some classes, banter and backtalking are acceptable, even encouraged. In the Wreck’s classroom, however, a loose tongue can get you into deep water. Even the most innocent of jokes could become the straw that broke the camel’s back. Heed these words, friend, and remain silent while the Wreck has their moment to vent. 
The Sage - As if their doctorate program consisted of sitting around for several years and formulating incredibly deep and utterly confounding theories and phrases, the Sage stands at the front of the classroom and spouts multi-layered sayings with the most serene and enlightened countenance possible. Students get the feeling that, if a professor were to scale some mountain in the Himalayas that professors must scale to speak with the Enlightened One of academia and achieve scholastic nirvana, surely this professor would be it. Students do not question in the Sage’s class; they merely bask in the Sage’s glory.
Like the Sages of old, however, these professors also value discipline and hard work. Do not expect to be asked to carry pots of boiling water with your forearms or snatch grasshoppers from the Sage’s hands. Do expect, however, extensive research papers and projects meant to carry you to the next sphere of existence. 
The Flatliner - Sometimes it seems that the anatomy department has accidentally left one of their cadavers at the front of the classroom. Indeed, many have suggested over the years that the Flatliner is in some kind of comatose state between life and death. With their gray pallor, lifeless eyes, and slothlike movements, many have mistaken the Flatliner for a zombie or vampire. How they are able to come to class on schedule, murmur through hour-long lectures, grade papers, and draw indiscernible diagrams on an old overhead projector is a mystery to modern science.
Even more interesting is the Flatliner’s seemingly contagious properties. Almost without fail, the Flatliner’s presence in a classroom will have students slipping into the same comatose state. Eyes droop. Drool moistens many a desktop. Notes are not taken.
To dismiss the Flatliner would be a grave mistake, however. Although they appear to slumber, something within the Flatliner seems to notice students’ negligence and will take vengeance accordingly. The Flatliner has been known to give the most difficult exams (usually filled with items taught while students slept).
The Demagogue - They enjoy celebrity status with the student body. Their courses fill quickly. They have a major named after them. They get invited to students’ weddings, bar mitzvahs, baptisms, etc. They have the charisma of James T. Kirk and the punchlines of David Letterman. Their PowerPoint presentations are accompanied by lasers, fog, and pyrotechnics. Students emerge from their lectures beaming or with tear-stained cheeks. The rest of the faculty live in bitter envy of the Demagogue.
The Demagogue is best recognized by the confidence and star power that oozes from their pores. They are often accompanied by an entourage of admirers.
What types of professors have you had? Let us know below…
About the author
Marcus Varner earned his BA in English from Brigham Young University with a Creative Writing emphasis. He is currently in his second year at BYU’s lauded MBA program studying Marketing. He blogs, writes fiction and screenplays, loves movies, and can’t resist playing superheroes with his kids.
