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America teams with college mascots fierce and ridiculous, awe-inspiring and laugh-inducing. One slow day, the Classes and Careers staff imagined what it would be like if we pitted this odd collection of warriors, animals, trees, vegetables, and forces of nature against one another in gladitorial fights to the finish. Who would reign victorious? Who would be run asunder? Which mascot would rise to the top to become the mightiest of them all? Join us for COLLEGE MASCOT SMACKDOWN!!!

To kick off our series, we start with the #1 NCAA football team, the USC Trojans, and, well, the other #1 NCAA football team, the LSU Tigers. That’s right. As of last weekend, both teams were ranked number one. AP ranked USC number one and LSU number two; USA Today ranked LSU number one and USC number two.

Two number one teams? Something about that doesn’t sit well with rabid, competition-hungry sports junkies. Ties are for the other football (soccer, that is). In American football, only one team can be numero uno. We will go into overtime and sudden death overtime to make sure that only one team wins. One must rise and one must fall, or the universal balance is, like, disrupted or something. I mean, honestly, can you picture two people trying to fit on the gold medal stand at the Olympics? Or both teams sharing the NBA trophy at the conclusion of the Finals and just dancing off the court together in harmony? No way, Jose. You’re not okay with that. We’re not okay with that.

So we decided to pit the mascots for the two number ones against each other, the Trojans vs. the Tigers, to decide once and for all who the real number one should be. To keep it as close to football as possible, each team would have 11 players. And it just so happens that both mascots here are some mean mammajammas.

To my left, we have the USC Trojans. It’s no secret that the Trojans of old were bad dudes. If you’ve read Homer’s Iliad or watched Troy, you know that, if anything, the Trojans had gumption and stamina. Paris of Troy, taken with Helen, the beautiful wife of Spartan King Menelaus, whisked her off to Troy. Pretty bold of the Trojans, if you ask me. Also pretty foolish. For Menelaus and his brother, the king of Mycenae, soon gathered their warriors and laid seige to Troy for ten years. Ten years! That’s longer than the World Wars, Vietnam, the Civil War, or the Revolutionary War. And the Trojans had the grit, the determination, and muscle to hold off the Greeks for the entire time. In the meantime, they took down Greek legends Achilles, known for his ankle problems, and Ajax. So, the Tigers can expect a long, bloody fight from the mighty Trojans.

Finally, despite their tenacity, the Trojans are also famous for falling for one of the biggest trick plays of all time, ala the Trojan Horse. They fight like mad for a decade. Then, one morning, the Greeks disappear and leave a pretty wooden horse at their gates. The Trojans, maybe half-crazy from a decade of blood loss, think it’s a parting gift or something and bring it into the city. Next thing they know, Greeks are popping out of a secret compartment in the horse and ravaging the city. It’s game over for the Trojans. The city is destroyed, the survivors driven across the Mediterranean. If they hope to beat the Tigers, the Trojans will need to keep their wits about them and remain vigilant against any "gifts" large enough to hold an invading force, especially pretty horsies.

To my right, we have the LSU Tigers. Put simply, Tigers are the biggest, heaviest cats around, the real kings of the jungle. Siberian tigers have been known to measure as long as 11.34 feet in length and weigh in at 674 pounds. They are fiercely territorial, each commanding a land area of up to 38 square miles.

They feed on medium and large prey, such as water buffalo, deer, elk, camels, yak, young elephants, rhinos, and even other predators like cheetahs, brown bears, and crocodiles. There’s a reason why we all workout to Eye of the Tiger. They are some of the strongest, most formidable hunters in the world. Their mass allows them to knock even large animals off balance. But they lose nothing in speed, as they can run up to 40 mph. Tigers use their powerful jaws to lock onto their prey’s neck and literally crush their spinal cord, pierce their windpipe, and sever their carotid artery and jugular. Ouch! Tiger’s muscular forelimbs allow them to latch onto the wildest prey or kill a man with a single swipe. Looks like the Trojans will want to keep their distance.

On the negative side, Tigers have proven vulnerable to man’s cunning. They are on the endangered species list, with Bengal tigers thought to number 2,000 or less and Malayan tigers estimated to be from 600 to 800 in the wild (but don’t worry, no tigers were harmed in the writing of this post). Of course, given our cultural affinity for endangered species, everyone’s going to root for the Tigers.

So this fight comes down to stamina and human cunning (which the Trojans aren’t especially strong in) and the peak of natural predatorial power. 11 Trojans vs. 11 Tigers. So who would triumph? Here to weigh in are some experts…

Expert #1: Well, obviously, the Trojans would be greatly relieved to find that the Tigers lack opposable thumbs and would therefore be incapable of building any large wooden structures. (laughs) But seriously, the Trojans also have the benefit of armor and weapons. How effective those would be against the sheer size and strength of the Tigers is another story? If a Tiger really wanted to, it could probably bite clean through the armor or deflect a few sword strikes long enough to get at a Trojan’s throat. Really, I think it comes down to how angry or hungry the Tigers are. If the Tigers have been fed, or are feeling especially un-ferocious, they may just retreat to a shady spot and take a nap. But if they haven’t eaten in weeks and they smell blood, watch out Trojans.

Expert #2: I’m sorry, but no matter how hungry the Tigers are, the Trojans have the overwhelming advantage of being able to form and execute defensive and offensive schemes. Tigers are not known for pack hunting, so their efforts will be scattered and ineffective. A Trojan may be overwhelmed and devoured here and there by a mad Tiger. The Trojans might even use one as bait for the hungry Tigers and then attack while they’re occupied with eating. As long as they exercise the tactical skills which allowed them to fend off the Greeks for ten years, a loose band of Tigers will be no problem. The Trojans will kill for sport, for pride, for honor. But Tigers will not kill unless they feel threatened or hungry.

Expert #1: Well, what if the Trojans were encroaching on an area with tiger cubs? The Tigers wouldn’t be so harmless then.

Expert #2: Tiger cubs? Since when are cubs in the mix? I’m afraid you’re throwing in exceptions because you don’t want to see an endangered species lose.

Expert #1: Well, I think you just hate tigers and love Orlando Bloom. And you’re giving the Trojans way too much credit. These are the guys who found the Trojan Horse, didn’t think anything of it, and just rolled it through the gates. "Come on, everybody, look at this cool, very large, horse-shaped playground those crazy Greeks left for us. I guess those guys aren’t so bad after all." They’re not exactly firing on all cylinders. These guys might just scatter at the first sign of aggression from the Tigers, at which point the Tigers would be free to pick them off one by one. And let’s give the Trojans the benefit of the doubt and say they did have the brains to form a phalanx. That still doesn’t change the fact that a 600-pound animal is charging at them at 40 mph. Do the math. That’s a lot of momentum, and with claws and sharp teeth to boot. No man I know could hold back that kind of force. Tigers can knock down rhinos. Orlando doesn’t stand a chance!

Expert #2: You leave him out of this. That was just a movie. Besides, if Tigers would kill a bunch of Trojans so easily, then why are they endangered? Because they don’t have the brainpower to deal with humans.

Expert #1: Trojans don’t have firearms. They just have spears and swords. Big difference. And Tigers are endangered because of deforestation more than anything. You probably pour your motor oil into storm drains and use diesel, earth-killer. If it were you and a Tiger, one on one, the Tiger would chew you up as fast as a Jimmy Dean Mini-Burger. Then we’d see who was endangered.

Expert #2: You are taking this way too personally. And I drive a Hybrid. The fact of the matter is, humans are mean and smart, and animals aren’t unless they have to be.

Expert #1: You’ll see how mean and smart they are.

Expert #2: You need to get some help.

Expert #1: I hate you. Leave me alone. Well, I’m not quite sure we reached a consensus there. While we are having Expert #1 escorted out of the building, let’s put the question out to you: Who would win: the Trojans or the Tigers? Human cunning or pure predator? Place your vote below and do some trash talking.

USC Trojans

LSU Tigers